The Lunatic Calm

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

One of 'those' days...

Supremely horrible day. Almost everything kept going wrong. There were patches of relief in this extremely frustrating day, but overall, the day started in darkness and almost ended in darkness too. Literally. Sometimes I wish I knew in advance so I could stay in bed. Anyway, still regret getting out of bed for almost every action inexorably led to disaster.

To start off, I woke up really late. In middle of the rush to get to office, I tried burning a coupla CDs. Right on cue, there was a power failure. And so, I had to take a cold bath, in an verrry cold climate. Even then I had a hunch that things won't be going my way today. There were no rickshaws at the stand and I had to walk a while before I got one. This was but a minor annoyance. Then work progressed more or less uneventfully. At lunch time, my stomach felt damn uncomfortable. Not sick, just uncomfortable. Not wanting to upset it, I had bread for lunch. And finally managed to burn the other CD. Then I had to go back to office and head a team meeting, which turned out to be a nice experience in the end (ok, not EVERYTHING went bad).

By around six, I was still not feeling comfortable. Something seemed to be wrong inside me. Plus I had to buy some stuff. So I left office. Again had trouble getting an auto. Which, again, is not that big a deal. And I managed to reach the Forum without much trouble. After making some purchases (where I, yet again, faced problems) I came out and decided to relax a bit, playing some Counter-Strike at RWW. But Fate apparently had more cruel cards to deal out. There was a mentally-ill boy there. He was wandering from terminal to terminal trying to see if someone would let him play. whenever someone got up or turned around, he would take control of the keyboard and mouse. Watching him for a while, I , ashamedly, felt afraid of him. I knew I should be sympathetic to this ill-gifted child but the only emotion that arose in me was fear. Throughly disturbed, I left that place, still seeking peace of mind.

Going back to Landmark, I looked around a while more and bought a book. By that time, my stomach had started rumbing and I went to have food from Transit. Considering how the rest of the day had gone, I was least surprised to find some people doing unbearably loud and noisy karaoke there. I managed to survive long enough to have something. I went back to RWW. The kid was still there but I also noticed that Jerry was there. So I sat down and deathmatched him for a while. This was the high point of the day. The kid did come by and stab at some buttons in between but I just about muttered enough control not to shout at him for it was a high-tension match between me and Jerry, AND I was scarecly thinking. Finally I managed to beat Jerry and left feeling good. And then I went out.

It was raining. I took it positively and strode out in the rain to catch an Auto. 'One fifty, sir'. My mind was all prepared for '1 and a half', so I nodded and got in. A few hundered metres down, I noticed that the meter was not on. I asked him why and soon it dawned on me that he had asked for a hundred and fifty rupees. I was stunned. He was asking for FOUR times the fare. I got out of the auto and started shouting at him. For the first time in my life I was having a shouting match with an auto-rickshaw driver. And the rain was pouring heavily. I was blinded by rage and stretched my Hindi to it's known limits to express my displeasure. I told him to get lost but he demanded 20 bucks for carrying me *this* far. And that trigerred the next argument. Finally, fed up of everything and wanting some peace, I gave him 15 bucks and came off (note: we had come barely 200m from where we started). I walked down the road in the cold, harsh rain, cursing everything .. including myself for losing my cool, for I rarely do. Finally I managed to get a ride home.

On nearing my house, I noticed that there was no power. And I asked myself, 'Did you expect anything more?' . And there I sat in the dark, with my room-mate narrating about my ill-luck. And finally the power was restored. And I eagerly turned on my comp but was unable to connect to the net. I called up the customer care and my worst fears were confirmed. The connection has been suspended due to non-payment of bill. I thanked him and hung up the phone. I felt like screaming. Refusing to go down, I managed to get the bill paid via a friend and senior, to whom i am eternally grateful for saving me from insanity, and managed to come online. And here I am... burnt and broken... almost at the edge of sanity.

Already I have started 'coming back to life', with a little help from Pink Floyd..

What would I have done without music? :)

Friday, May 20, 2005

Life...

What is life? Inevitably the first question I ponder on anytime I try to write something. No, not this day-to-day mundane routine of existence. Was free will, thought, self, awareness, all.. accidents? Or are we here for a purpose? I will not even dare to think that I can find it now.

Sometimes I feel life/destiny is a manipulator, at times cruel, at times kind. Forever testing us.. forever teasing us. There are secrets to life that no one has yet fathomed. Both believers of science and religion are mistaken. Atleast so I believe. There is something beyond science, and there is something beyond religion. There are things in this world that science can never explain. One thing that would cause a lotta controversy around me is the fact that I don't believe in the concept of God. I do not believe that there is a central entity who is "in charge". I like to believe that the whole life force of the universe is a single field, much like the concept of the Force in Star Wars. Some call this 'racial memory' or 'collective conciousness'. To me, this is, what God is to believers of the religions. For me, this would explain a lot of phenomenon's that science couldn't... Like split-personality.. memories of a previous birth.. precog.. and a lot of phenomenon considered to be para-normal.

So, is there a greater common purpose to life, or is existence an end in itself?

I don't know.Not yet.